Captain’s log:

Day one: The world is evil. Why is everything so annoying. Why do I have to be awake. WHY CAN’T I have coffee??!? Oh! Chicken broth! This is good! Eyes the gallon of soup suspiciously and wonder how long it can be consumed without hatred.

Day two: I did it! I made it through a whole day without the golden cup of caffeine. I’m alive, though barely. Dreams of hot cups of bliss. Sips hot broth. Hates life.

Day three: I can’t deny it, this stupid diet is making me feel better. I haven’t thrown-up in two days. Soon I can eat more than select boiled vegetables in broth with various boiled meats! Tomorrow, I can also eat GHEE AND EGG YOLKS.

Day four: COVFEFE! Also, ghee and egg yolks are overrated. Just give me a donut. Gah! No. I can do this.

Day five: This fluid that some call tea, chamomile tea, is not tea. It is an herbal infusion drink. Dreams of real black tea with milk. Eats the same two soups that have comprised nearly every meal for the past five days. Cries in empty tea cup.

Day six: There is no doubt: This loathsome diet that excludes everything that I hold dear is helping me a lot. I have gone from throwing up every day to two times a week. Why. Why can’t donuts be the cure?!

Day seven: I woke up this morning without utter despair over my empty cup of java. Looks at never ending quantity of the same soup. Never mind, life is bitter.

Day eight: Hooray! Today I can eat nut-butters, almond flour and sauerkraut! I can make pancakes! I happily make the said “pancakes” out of almond flour, eggs and pumpkin while anticipating the first decadent bite… All lies, this is not a pancake. It is a sad-cake. Sauerkraut is amazing! Accidentally gorges on sauerkraut.

Day nine: Eggs! I love eggs! I can’t believe I can finally eat them!!! Eats soup again

Day ten: Remembers something beautiful from the distant past, the memory almost as faint as a wisp of smoke: coffee.

*****

Well, to be a bit more serious now- yes, I have been on a diet to help heal my poor digestive system. It is not for the faint of heart! For many days you can only eat meat and a few vegetables boiled in broth. It sounds great until you eat it three times a day for a week.

Over the period of a few weeks, I can slowly add more and more of my regular foods back in. The concept is that you take out anything that can be irritating to your digestive system and replace it with foods that help promote healing. Over time, your body adjusts and can go back to eating normally. It is called the GAPS Intro diet and, while I don’t enjoy it, I have been clearly seeing its benefits. I went from throwing up every day to twice in over a week!

I’m hoping that by the time I am done with this my teeth will have re-enameled, my complexion clears up, my hair gets luxuriously thick and curly, my enemies become my friends, I win a million dollars and am asked to have tea with Christopher Tolkien.

That isn’t reasonable?

I’ll just be content with not throwing up.

Two more weeks!

One thought on “Life without coffee and tea on the GAPS Intro diet

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